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Originally posted by AstralScream

whatever.
forget it

She is chained to the tremor
of a never arriving rhythm;
she has a heart of silver
and a dagger in her right hand - Federico García Lorca

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quote:

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Originally posted by AstralScream

what? I thought you were done with me tonight I thought I was done, too...I was supposed to storm off and not show up here for days...
LOL
Fine! Be that way! *slams door*

well, I really did smile. mostly just marveling at how quickly you took offense once it must have sank in that I really was feeling hateful.
I think it's because I tend to repress my hatefulness/anger to protect the world around me. I don't want to cause anything to "shatter" without my knowing it's the right thing to do (on a head-level). The problem with this restraint is that I lose connection with my gut so easily, and I don't trust my instinctual responses. The delay or repression like that means almost never knowing how to act if my mind doesn't have a certain pre-established sense of certainty. The usual 5ish response is to disengage from it all and just not let yourself be affected emotionally (better to let go than to be destroyed). And I don't quite like doing that because it means things I might care about will possibly break or be cheapened. I want to do the right thing.

That hesitation you saw up above was basically me wanting to call you out on something, but not knowing how to frame it. It was frustrating.

and, then your decorum about it all.
Yes.

must've thought it was cute, or something..
haha. cute, while inside me I was going through some sort of existential struggle with myself.

that's just adorable...

()

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quote:

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I think it's because I tend to repress my hatefulness/anger to protect the world around me. I don't want to cause anything to "shatter" without my knowing it's the right thing to do (on a head-level). The problem with this restraint is that I lose connection with my gut so easily, and I don't trust my instinctual responses. The delay or repression like that means almost never knowing how to act if my mind doesn't have a certain pre-established sense of certainty. The usual 5ish response is to disengage from it all and just not let yourself be affected emotionally (better to let go than to be destroyed). And I don't quite like doing that because it means things I might care about will possibly break or be cheapened. I want to do the right thing.

That hesitation you saw up above was basically me wanting to call you out on something, but not knowing how to frame it. It was frustrating.

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Originally posted by AstralScream

quote:

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I think it's because I tend to repress my hatefulness/anger to protect the world around me. I don't want to cause anything to "shatter" without my knowing it's the right thing to do (on a head-level). The problem with this restraint is that I lose connection with my gut so easily, and I don't trust my instinctual responses. The delay or repression like that means almost never knowing how to act if my mind doesn't have a certain pre-established sense of certainty. The usual 5ish response is to disengage from it all and just not let yourself be affected emotionally (better to let go than to be destroyed). And I don't quite like doing that because it means things I might care about will possibly break or be cheapened. I want to do the right thing.

That hesitation you saw up above was basically me wanting to call you out on something, but not knowing how to frame it. It was frustrating.

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oh..
hmm...

I really want to say something, but I'm not quite sure how to frame it, either.
I've agreed with your self-typing up to this point, but that does sound very 9/1 to me.
Perhaps this is an area where your fix just stands out, but right now it's screaming in my ear.
I actually think it's just a general 5ish issue when you've got a 9 and 4fix involved. Some 5s feign better that they can cope with taking action in the world, but for me it usually hits me more immediately given the other influences in type make up. I also don't have a 9w1 fix, and I'm sure of it. Too many of my gut reactions and ways of coping with my gut point to 9w8. Maybe on here I am more restrained, but anyone who tends to talk to me one on one off board will see that I "cross the line" too much to have a 9w1 (I am sometimes obsessed with being crude and inappropriate, especially around people who will react negatively to it. There's a larger than life feeling of "consuming the world"). I've offended you once before with a joke I thought was hilarious but which you got morally strung out about. I honestly found it really difficult at the time to discuss it with you because I felt I was being censored and the "beauty" of the joke, no matter how sexist it could be, wasn't appreciated or savoured at the time. I think that's something really tough for me to deal with: when moral standards stop us from enjoying something I feel "comes naturally". I love crudeness in general, whether it's in talk style or behaviour. If anything, the judgmentality and moral standards of the 1 is something I don't own very well and am not always certain how to incorporate into my person. It's there all the time, badgering me to consider it.

Still, from what I wrote to you in my last response in this discussion, I still see 5 as my main type in it. It's got withdrawn head type written all over it. It's a question of certainty for me, of knowing where to tread. I have no problem with taking difficult actions so long as I know what I'm getting into. So let's say if I hurt your feelings you would get angry and storm off and never talk to me again, an outcome which I wouldn't want to happen. I can make that decision to say what I want to say but which will hurt your feelings so long as I know what I'm getting into. I don't need to prevent every bad outcome, I just need to know what the outcome will be like and then it's not such a big deal. I can be fine with losing your friendship at that moment because I've looked at the situation from every angle I could and I feel it's the best decision to make. I feel my issue comes from not knowing if feeling "loss" will devastate me or not, because I tend to stay away from direct experience of the loss. I don't always hold back on dropping bombs on people, though. Sometimes I'm quite outspoken and good at dealing with the clean up of a messy situation. I just have difficulty coping sometimes with the lack of certainty, which to me is a prime issue of the head triad. The feeling gets really blown up and there is a sense of "being lost" because you don't know how to act. It's powerful too, frightening and debilitating. At one point you end up feeling as though all action-taking will lead to great pain and suffering, and so then the only thing left is to hide inside yourself and not make a sound.

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Originally posted by thomg

[quote]Originally posted by enforest
I think it's because I tend to repress my hatefulness/anger to protect the world around me.
I don't want to cause anything to "shatter" with
out my knowing it's the right thing to do (on a head-level). The problem with this restraint is that I lose connection with my gut so easily, and I don't trust my instinctual responses.
The delay or repression like that means almost never knowing how to act if my mind doesn't have a certain pre-established sense of certainty.
The usual 5ish response is to disengage from it all and just not let yourself be affected emotionally (better to let go than to be destroyed). And I don't quite like doing that because it means things I might care about will possibly break or be cheapened. I want to do the right thing.

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Originally posted by enforest

quote:

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Originally posted by AstralScream

quote:

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I think it's because I tend to repress my hatefulness/anger to protect the world around me. I don't want to cause anything to "shatter" without my knowing it's the right thing to do (on a head-level). The problem with this restraint is that I lose connection with my gut so easily, and I don't trust my instinctual responses. The delay or repression like that means almost never knowing how to act if my mind doesn't have a certain pre-established sense of certainty. The usual 5ish response is to disengage from it all and just not let yourself be affected emotionally (better to let go than to be destroyed). And I don't quite like doing that because it means things I might care about will possibly break or be cheapened. I want to do the right thing.

That hesitation you saw up above was basically me wanting to call you out on something, but not knowing how to frame it. It was frustrating.

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oh..
hmm...

I really want to say something, but I'm not quite sure how to frame it, either.
I've agreed with your self-typing up to this point, but that does sound very 9/1 to me.
Perhaps this is an area where your fix just stands out, but right now it's screaming in my ear.


I actually think it's just a general 5ish issue when you've got a 9 and 4fix involved. Some 5s feign better that they can cope with taking action in the world, but for me it usually hits me more immediately given the other influences in type make up. I also don't have a 9w1 fix, and I'm sure of it. Too many of my gut reactions and ways of coping with my gut point to 9w8. Maybe on here I am more restrained, but anyone who tends to talk to me one on one off board will see that I "cross the line" too much to have a 9w1 (I am sometimes obsessed with being crude and inappropriate, especially around people who will react negatively to it. There's a larger than life feeling of "consuming the world"). I've offended you once before with a joke I thought was hilarious but which you got morally strung out about. I honestly found it really difficult at the time to discuss it with you because I felt I was being censored and the "beauty" of the joke, no matter how sexist it could be, wasn't appreciated or savoured at the time. I think that's something really tough for me to deal with: when moral standards stop us from enjoying something I feel "comes naturally". I love crudeness in general, whether it's in talk style or behaviour. If anything, the judgmentality and moral standards of the 1 is something I don't own very well and am not always certain how to incorporate into my person. It's there all the time, badgering me to consider it.

Still, from what I wrote to you in my last response in this discussion, I still see 5 as my main type in it. It's got withdrawn head type written all over it. It's a question of certainty for me, of knowing where to tread. I have no problem with taking difficult actions so long as I know what I'm getting into. So let's say if I hurt your feelings you would get angry and storm off and never talk to me again, an outcome which I wouldn't want to happen. I can make that decision to say what I want to say but which will hurt your feelings so long as I know what I'm getting into. I don't need to prevent every bad outcome, I just need to know what the outcome will be like and then it's not such a big deal. I can be fine with losing your friendship at that moment because I've looked at the situation from every angle I could and I feel it's the best decision to make. I feel my issue comes from not knowing if feeling "loss" will devastate me or not, because I tend to stay away from direct experience of the loss. I don't always hold back on dropping bombs on people, though. Sometimes I'm quite outspoken and good at dealing with the clean up of a messy situation. I just have difficulty coping sometimes with the lack of certainty, which to me is a prime issue of the head triad. The feeling gets really blown up and there is a sense of "being lost" because you don't know how to act. It's powerful too, frightening and debilitating. At one point you end up feeling as though all action-taking will lead to great pain and suffering, and so then the only thing left is to hide inside yourself and not make a sound.

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quote:

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Originally posted by whitelila




I hate bleeding every month. It sucks. However, the bright red color of the blood is attractive. But that is not reason enough for me to not hate the process.

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Originally posted by enforest


I wrote something really long and a tad personal, Astral. I think I'd rather send it to you via e-mail. I'll do so in the morning when I wake up and have a last edit.

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Originally posted by whitelila

yes. It is called the menstrual cycle.

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That should show them!

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