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Artistshepherd
Member
USA
26 Posts |
 Posted - 03 Sep 2009 : 02:49:40 AM
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| Well I am a 4 and she is a 9. I love her.She says she is crazy about me. We started dating in Jan. She was very engaged for 2 months then out of no where I get a note that she is not sure this is going to work because I am going to LA to act. I make a good living and she has known about these plans from the start. I say I am ok being friends as that is what she wants. She backs off then a few weeks later we are making out. A month later she says we must be just friends but does not tell me why. Then she disapears for 2 months??? Occasional texts from her then out of the blue wants to come over and see me. I ask her what the hell happened. She says she is so crazy about me and got scared. We have a passionate two months and now I get this letter which sounds very confused but saying she has never cared for a man or been as attracted to a man like she is with me but she needs to walk a different path??????? It feels like she is breaking up but the letter is so confused I can't tell. So I wait. And Wait. I text her asking if we can talk. No answer. Finally I write her and say I love her and am fine with her choosing her own path but can she tell me what she means. I am not sure what she is saying? No answer. Finally I get an email saying she is happy to talk or email me but she is sick right now and will talk to me soon. Is this kind of push pull normal for a 9? I have done all I know to do and have decided not to contact her anymore. Is she likely to come around for a third ride on the train? |
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Dopple
Member
283 Posts |
Posted - 04 Sep 2009 : 1:21:02 PM
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I can run hot and cold when unsure about a relationship. It's a struggle between my feelings and my head.
If I were you I'd take the criptic letter and ask specific questions. What other path?
Also maybe you could share some of your views. If you love her, tell her. If you want to be exclusive, tell her. Nines can be insecure and we tend to keep alot inside of our heads. For example I imagine that my s.o. is angry with me if I don't get a call.
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Artistshepherd
Member
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 04 Sep 2009 : 3:14:26 PM
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| Well I have done all that. Just found out she has been struggling with a migrane. She texed me last night and I responded by tellingher I love her but am not sure what she wants but either way I love her. She responded by saying how that made her night. I read somewhere on here to let them come to you. If I just wait do u think she will come around or I'll never hear from her again. |
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Dopple
Member
283 Posts |
Posted - 04 Sep 2009 : 5:25:37 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Artistshepherd
Well I have done all that. Just found out she has been struggling with a migrane. She texed me last night and I responded by tellingher I love her but am not sure what she wants but either way I love her. She responded by saying how that made her night. I read somewhere on here to let them come to you. If I just wait do u think she will come around or I'll never hear from her again.
I don't know. It depends upon what she sees as the barrier between you two. I know that I can't be rushed, I'm stubborn and hate to be told what to do. I'll follow, but I won't be pushed. I'd give her a little time and then maybe you can invite her to follow you somewhere. Maybe a movie, maybe a walk, maybe a vacation. Something you think she would like.
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Artistshepherd
Member
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 04 Nov 2009 : 12:31:30 PM
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Well we talked and she told me she realized she was in love with me and that is why she ran. So we had two months of being in love and started talking about marriage. THings were going great and then she did it again. Breaks up with a letter. ???? This time I just sent a reply saying "sounds like you are breaking up? ok. I will miss you." This is the third time. I wonder I do nothing if she will come back around or passively accept this as my wish and do nothing?
Will I hear from her again? If I do am I fool to go another round or is this just typical 9 behavior that I need to understand and we work through? |
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shakti
Member
USA
7845 Posts |
Posted - 04 Nov 2009 : 8:26:47 PM
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| It sounds from the outside like there's some space or boundary issue that isn't getting managed in a way that works for both of you, and not at all like there's a lack of compatibility or love. It seems like the relationship sucks you guys up (or her up) and then she retreats to regroup. Curious about your stackings. |
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zenbrat
Member
USA
2524 Posts |
Posted - 04 Nov 2009 : 9:00:09 PM
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Relationships with Nines can be a lot like nailing jello to a tree. It sticks for a while, then slides into oblivion. Rinse. Repeat. I've had a couple of 'relationships' with Nines going on 3 and 6 years, respectively. Eventually, you learn to just drift with their ebb and flow... that's as good as it gets.
I read that Nines tend to experience most of the relationship in their heads - they may feel very bonded to you but they're doing it in a semi-daydream state. Being forced to deal with the reality of you, as opposed to their pleasant daydream of you, may be positively jarring; hence the retreat.
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4w5 | INFP | IVQ: sp/sx/so
"I can't concentrate with all this ugly stuff around me."
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Artistshepherd
Member
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 04 Nov 2009 : 11:04:19 PM
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| Sorry what are stackings? So at this point I feel like I need to just give her space and not try to close the gap. I feel like I should not try to talk her back into a relationship. If I do that would you guess she will come back around or if I just move on I will never hear from her again. |
Edited by - Artistshepherd on 04 Nov 2009 11:10:55 PM |
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.ron4
Member
9125 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2009 : 02:15:09 AM
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Arti,
She might think you're being too clingy. Are you
being too clingy ?
ron |
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Artistshepherd
Member
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2009 : 10:53:42 AM
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| No. I don't think so. In the relationship I have always been the one slowing things down. Trying to pace it so she does not get scared. A good friend had just met her and he felt she wanted me to propose. She makes fun of me for trying to pace things. Four weeks ago she mentioned eloping and said she did not want to wait a year for us to get married which was another whip lash for me. This is the third time she has broken up like this. The last two she always came back around but I also allowed my self to stay connected to her. We texted each other every few weeks during the breaks. This last weekend she blew off a special date we had been planning for a long time a few hours before the date with no good reason and she did not even call. Just sent a text. I was hurt and madd so I just decided I was not going to bridge the gap this time. I am the one who normally does this. I did not contact her for 3 days and then I got the break up email which really surprised me. In the letter she mentioned how badly she had treated me this past weekend but the letter sounded almost exactly like the confused letter she sent last time she broke up. The other thing I find interesting is when we first started dating we went 57 days and then she broke up. The second time we went 58 days. I just checked the calender to see how many days it has been since we started our third round. 57 days. Weird. So it seems to be a pattern. I guess I feel like a fool to try and bridge the gap and go for round 4. I feel like she needs to miss me and realize I will not be doing that this time and come talk to me when she is ready. Because to even consider dating again I would need her to explain to me why I should not expect this to happen again. It just feels like I would be in a better position to have that conversation if she comes to me rather than me again going "wait a minute..do you see what I see here" It sounds like this is a pattern with 9's and I just wonder if you just leave them alone..no contact are they likely to come back around or do they just blow you off and move on? |
Edited by - Artistshepherd on 05 Nov 2009 10:57:02 AM |
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NineishMan
Member
Belgium
79 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2009 : 12:30:11 PM
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Well, i'm a Nine and i don't see that pattern at all in my relationship and past relationships. I'm not saying Nines can't behave this way; in fact, i think all types (Nines inclusive) can have a push-pull attitude under some circumstances. I can't find any for myself though, cause push-pull would cause me too much stress; too much disruption of harmony. Curiously enough, i'd think the push-pull would be more a typical Four trait, but i might be mistaken here.
Reading your last post, i'll give you my 2 cents. Instead of trying to explain this E-wise, look at it gender-wise. Think about the numbers: 57 days, 58 days ... doesn't that ring a bell? Isn't this twice a woman's monthly cycle?
9w8 Sx/So/Sp ESFP |
Edited by - NineishMan on 05 Nov 2009 12:38:03 PM |
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Artistshepherd
Member
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2009 : 1:12:41 PM
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| Yes it does and that may be part of it. But one of her dynamics is a deep fear of being loved. She has lost a lot of people in her life. She is afraid for anyone to love her because if they do she fears they will be destroyed or something bad will happen. I threw her a beautiful B-day party and that was the night she said she felt so loved. Then she found several reasons to push me away for a few weeks. She then told me this dynamic was in play. That she knew she was getting scared because she felt so loved by me. As I think about it that was what was in play both times before. The first time she came back she told me she was feeling crazy about me so she ran away. The second time she told me she woke up one morning and realized she was in love with me and so she left town for 3 weeks. This time the B-day party. Something in me is telling me not to contact her again but to wait. That is new for me, not bridging the gap, and I guess I am just afraid I will not hear from her again if I do that. |
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zenbrat
Member
USA
2524 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2009 : 1:58:16 PM
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Fours engage in wistful longing for what is missing. A fully engaged partner who wants to be in a relationship may be what is "missing" here. It's hard to let go after investing so much of yourself, but sometimes it's the only thing to do.
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4w5 | INFP | IVQ: sp/sx/so
"I can't concentrate with all this ugly stuff around me."
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Artistshepherd
Member
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2009 : 3:06:07 PM
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| Well maybe that is what I need to do and why I feel I should not contact her again. Just got through reading some of the weakness of 4's and sure sounds like me. I guess if I just let her be it will help me let go. If I reach out to her again I will not be able but to hope she will "see the light and come back" But I do keep hearing a part of me saying just let her go. I know from past relationships after a week or two I move out of this pinning for the person and that way if she does come back I will be better prepared to see what is best for me as well as her. Still I would appreciate any thoughts on if you think she will come knocking again. |
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Artistshepherd
Member
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2009 : 3:19:10 PM
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| Lets see if I get the stackings thing right. I am pretty sure she is body first, then maybe sexual and finally social. I would be sexual, social, body. |
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Artistshepherd
Member
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 07 Nov 2009 : 6:55:38 PM
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She sent me a message in reply to my last message I mentioned in which I said "Sounds like you are breaking up and no longer want to communicate. I will miss you" She replys "oh no. I did not say I did not want to communicate anymore. I just thought you would not want to."
What the ?? does that mean? I give her a clean break and she wants to keep on I guess a friends? Is that her way of leaving things open or not making a decision or allowing romance to happen again. I feel confussed.  |
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shakti
Member
USA
7845 Posts |
Posted - 08 Nov 2009 : 9:20:42 PM
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If she is sp/sx/soc and you are sx/soc/sp, it could be that her sp needs don't get met and she pulls back and regroups and when she is better she is more able to participate in the relationship, but then she gets to that imbalanced state again in about two months. So, there's a rinse and repeat. You can make it into a romance in two month segments, I suppose, and perhaps it will turn into something that goes into the years.
I would also take a look at the energetics of the relationship, it's possible (though of course I don't know this for a fact) that you take energy from her. Some folks more routinely don't replenish so easily using earth/cosmic energies that are freely available and tend to more routinely take energy from an interpersonal connection. If it is something like this, it is hard to put into words, and hard to validate (if true). So, there could be something real that is difficult in this relationship, but just not something that can be put into words easily. It also sounds like your partner is skittish even about trying to find out what makes her run.
[I got pointed to the energetics ideas by someone I know who posts here who had a conversation with the Fauvres at the IEA 2009 Conference.
There are a number of sources of material on the topic, but here is one.]
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Artistshepherd
Member
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 09 Nov 2009 : 7:40:10 PM
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| Well I thank you all for your feedback. I finally decided that she is just not ready for relationship. I wrote her and told her I agree and think we should no longer date. She wants to stay friends and I told her that was fine but wait and see if she initiates anything as I will not. I think it is just hard to say goodbye and for me somehow saying goodbye to our dating relationship helps me move on rather than sitting here wondering if she might ask for another round. |
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4 with on again off again 9
