Holotropic Breathwork—A Personal Account by Rod
The Magic Carpet
This account of a male Eight’s experience of the Holotropic Breathwork was sent in to us after the Part II Training in November 2009 at The Barn. It is so detailed, rich, and illustrative of the general experiences that people may go through in the Breathwork that we thought it might be helpful for others to read. Of course everyone will have their own experience, but this gives a flavor of what the Holotropic Breathwork is like.
I have one intention and one request. To know the truth whatever it is and to receive all the help I need.
Beating drums, earth is shaking with primordial rhythm. Where is my Sitter? She is there, I feel her presence but it is not enough. It is light, I need more, much more. My Sitter is scared. I am angry. I feel I have chosen poorly.
Feet cold, can’t find ground. Someone comes and covers feet. They hold the sole of my right foot. How did they know? I feel love. I will be looked after. Everything will be ok.
Shaking head side to side, brain doesn’t feel right, things in wrong place, need to move and settle to right place. Need to move feet, must feel the ground. Knees up, tap feet in time with the drums, harder and harder. I need to feel alive. Slam feet into ground. Hard, really, really hard. My Sitter is scared. I feel her leave, to get someone. She will come back. Pain, pain. Ringing, tingling sensation I am alive. I am a wild man. I think of the Kalahari Bushman travelling the strings. I am a wild man like them.
I hear a howl behind and to the left. The howl is talking to me. It stays on the left. There is nothing to the right. The howl comes closer. It has a deep longing, yearning, mournful, eternal quality. It is deeper and comes from further back than I can imagine. The back quality is time, timelessness. “Who are you? Tell me who you are?” I shout again and again. I need to know who you are. A laugh and the howl is gone.
The howl is my soul!
My head wants to shake from side to side. I let it. I want to know the truth. Slowly at first, then faster and faster, further and further. I am getting hot. Now my head is shaking very fast and very strongly. It’s impossible to shake more. I can feel my cheeks shaking, getting looser and looser. My face is coming off, from the outside to the centre, more and more. The only place that my face is attached to my body is my nose. I am going to lose my face. I am not real. I am a mask. I hear laughter. And I laugh too with the laughter. I am something else. Joy.
Now I don’t need to decide, wherever I want to go is where I will go. Whatever I feel I will do. I want to clap my feet together. Can I do it? Yes I can. Can I do it like a baby? Higher and higher I lift my legs. Yes I can do it like a baby. What unbridled joy. “Yes!” I yell and laugh pure joy.
My right arm wants to move. I let it. My arm hurts, all of it. My left arm feels real. I want this one to feel real, too. I let it move from side to side, starting on the left and letting it land on the right. It moves faster and I feel angry. I want the pain out. I want to feel my arm. I want to feel it now. I slam my hand into the ground harder than I can believe. My Sitter jumps and I slam my hand again and again harder and harder. Someone brings a pillow and places it under my hand. I throw it away and slam my hand again and again. I want to feel real. The pain is excruciating. My hand rings and tingles. I am alive. I am wild. I laugh again. More joy.
I start to slam my right arm, harder and harder. I make a fist and slam it hard. I can’t bear the pain. I do it again and again. More pain. I want to feel the pain. I want the pain to go. I want to be alive. Someone brings a pillow and puts it where my hand is landing. I leave it and hit hard and harder. I sit up for leverage. I use my left hand too. I think I have broken my hands. I hit again and again, screaming “Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?” The helpers are scared. They don’t know what to do. I feel my Sitter. I feel her love. She is everywhere. She is there for me. I love her too! And I cry, like a baby. I rub my eyes like a baby and I cry and I cry and I cry. I roll into the fetal position on my right side and cry and cry and cry. I role to my left and do the same. My Sitter gives me a tissue and I cry more. I am a baby.
I am instinct. Whatever I want to do I will do. I am doing it but it is not me doing it. I am instinct.
There is a searing pain in right shoulder, hurts under the scapula. I want the pain to go away. I roll onto it and push hard. A helper comes and massages it for me. I want them to massage harder. I push into the massage harder and scream as the muscle is massaged. It is not enough, I want more pressure. I must have release. I roll onto my stomach and tell them to put their elbow and all their weight onto the point. My Sitter is close. I feel her gentle loving, fragrant presence. It is what I need. All the weight comes onto my shoulder. It is not enough. The pain is deeper much deeper. They tell me to push up. I do and the massage person falls off. Lots of people are holding me down. I feel the weight of the masseur’s elbow, all of it. They tell me to push up. I do and I roar primeval energy. The masseur falls off. We do it again and again. The pain is unbearable. I roar and roar. I am a monster coming out of a tar pit.
It is done. I roll on my back and feel my shoulder. The knot is gone, the one that has been there forever. It’s gone, it really has. “Yes,” I say “that was easy.” And I laugh and laugh pure irony and joy all at once. My Sitter is there. For me.
A deep, deep sorrow falls over me. I roll over to my left like a baby and start to cry. My Sitter moves behind me and starts to touch me, very lightly stroking me. She knows just where to touch, so lightly, subtly, lovingly and gently. My heart wrenches and my soul cries and cries and cries. I am wrapped in her fragrant presence. She touches, strokes and soothes me for a long time, I know she will be there forever. I start to heal. Slowly.
I slap my chest slowly at first with both hands. I like the sound. I like the feeling. I can feel my chest! I go faster and harder and faster and harder. My hands ring and tingle and so does my chest. I keep going and going and going. I am a wild gorilla. Ecstasy and I laugh. Joy.
My hand is hurting. I start to massage it. The pain is so deep. Decades of clenching. I massage harder and harder. A masseur comes and massages my hand deeply for a long time. It feels better and there is so much more still held. My shoulder is stretched and stretched and stretched some more. I roar with each stretch. There is holding there still. Deep, deep sorrowful holding.
I am still.
My eye, my eye, my eye I cry. I start to massage my forehead above my right eye. The pain is deeper than I have ever known. I can’t bear it and I can’t stop. I put my head on the floor to massage it as hard as I can. It hurts too much and I can’t stop. The masseur comes back and massages for me. Elbow, elbow I ask. The pain is so deep and I can’t bear it, my soul cries and I ask for more pressure. I scream and scream and scream. Pain, loss, sorrow, grief, more and everything. I am wounded beyond repair. The pain will never leave.
I am alive and I am wild. I want to hear the belly of a wild man. I breath deep into my belly and scream an eternal AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Loud, so loud it fills the room. I am a wild man and I am a baby and I am everything. I have joy. I laugh and laugh and laugh. Then I scream another from my belly. Louder still and I laugh again.
I fill my belly with very deep breaths. An almighty OHM comes and resonates throughout the building. I laugh joy. I wonder how it sounds from the heart. I fill my chest. Another almighty OHM and more joyous laughter. They sound different. My little boy wants to know what they sound like together. I fill my belly and then my heart with air and let out a mighty OHM. What beauty what depth what sound. It goes for a long time. I do it again and then again. Beginning and endless. Pure joy. I rest.
My Sitter is still with me in loving presence. I love her and my heart is happy.
The Leader comes and lies beside me in loving kindness. Good work she says. Is there anywhere that needs more work? My eye, my eye. I cry. My Sitter and the Leader soothe me. The Leader starts massaging my eye. Her touch is delicate, light and strong all at once. She is love. The pain is so deep and impenetrable. My soul wails and I am grief. Harder, harder, harder I ask. The pain is insufferable. My Sitter keeps wiping my tears away and soothing me. The Leader asks my story and I tell them what no other person has heard. Everything. They gasp and cry too. They know my pain and keep working. The Leader knows where to go, how to play the fine subtlety. The massage hurts so much and she knows just how much I can take, and gives me that and no more. The grief, the grief. So deep. Bottomless. They stay and their love gets stronger. I can bear the pain of telling them. Not the pain of the massage. The pain is endless. I say we need to find another way. Subtle I ask. The Leader massages my eye and sinus in such a beautiful, delicate way. Pain surfaces and my eye releases a little. I feel the surface of the eyeball stretch. The pain is agonising. I can feel the contracted holding in every cell of my eye. There is deep seated bruising in the marrow of the bone in my eye socket and cheek. It’s time to stop.
I see my Sitter, she is so small and delicate. My existential rage has lasted two hours and she was there for every moment. True courage. And love. My heart bursts with love and I cry tears of joy. 5/4 comes to visit glowing compassion, presence, and love. He has seen something immense. He truly knows what I have been through. We talk and I cry some more. I love him too. We have two long beautiful hugs. We melt together.
I have never known holding, support and love like this. I am grateful beyond words.
I go to the mandala room and draw like a child. Pure joy! My mandala is perfect. I am unblocking and know that creativity and expression will flow. In my mandala I see my purpose. I am the triangle. The shock points. I am overcome. There are no words to describe this.
Later I tell my Sitter that I have never told my story to anyone. I tell why, what happens when I try, and how eternally grateful I am for her love, presence, courage, and strength. Acknowledging the truth and speaking the unspeakable to another human being heals me some more.
Next morning I tell the Leader the same. We talk and I learn that it was very difficult for her to hear my story. I tell her why I have never told anyone. It is hard to handle and she does. I heal some more.
Later my Sitter tells me the Leader has told her that mine is one of the worst cases she has seen. That truth helps too and I feel a little better.
Later at the party my Sitter and I dance. Something I have almost never done. As soon as we start the Leader senses us, makes sure I see her and dances the most beautiful, graceful, flowing loving path towards us. She circles us, let’s me know she understands and how happy she is, showers me with love, and moves on. I have never been more deeply touched. The Leader is an Angel. Brilliance. Perfection.
I received exactly what I asked for: truth and support. I learnt truths that I had not expected. I was seeking the reason for the abuse I suffered. I learnt nothing new regarding the details or reasons. I know all I need to know about these. My belief that I could not tell another person my story crumbled in the presence, love, courage, and strength of my Sitter and the Leader. And was dissolved in 5w4’s true recognition knowing and honouring of my process.
Whilst I have faced much of the truth, my eye won’t heal until I see the most important part. These truths lie in unexpected places. One is Me. I need to acknowledge the real depth of my pain and suffering. What have I lost, what I can never get, what is the real cost. How my life would have been different. My sorrow, grief, agony, and suffering. I need to keep giving me compassion. The story will continue to unfold perfectly in a manner and timing that is best for me.
All the support I need is here already.
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